To make people feel better about the role of womanhood, it has been taught (time and time again) that motherhood is equal to that of the priesthood.
No. It. Is. Not.
Motherhood requires physical labor, it requires sacrifice of blood, and water to bring that baby into the world. For those who become mothers through adoption, they go through emotional pains, so in away maybe motherhood by adoption is akin to the priesthood, which is mostly emotional toil, rather then actual physical toil.
But what about the man having to be there at church all day? Doesn't that take a physical toil? And Elders, they have to walk all day, and they get treated badly too? What about Joseph Smith? He had physical pain because of what he did?
Yes, but quite honestly the only priesthood ordinance that motherhood is ever equal too is the atonement. Well let me rephrase that, Birth and the Atonement are equal. One is not just a symbol of the other, I believe they are absolutely intertwined, and always will be, you can not have one without the other. No, it doesn't say that in our scriptures, not exactly, but looking at the two, and studying it, and praying about it. I unequivocally get the answer that Birth and the Atonement are one. That what Christ did isn't any more important then what Mothers do at birth, and what Mothers do at birth isn't any more important then what Christ did.
Remember too, that all these things are titles, Christ is a title, Mother is a title, Priest is a title. These are all titles, explaining certain responsibilities.
But what of Priestess? So far the only thing that I can gather a priestess does, is 1 ordinance in the Temple. That is the washing and anointing and blessing of other women. Then after that she sits in a chair, while the man is center stage. Yes, yes, all people in the Temple receive the same signs and tokens, but only through the male. And everything is geared toward an idea that it is always going to be through the male here and the hereafter. That there is no end to Patriarchy. That Patriarchy and Priesthood are one and the same. And I go "UG!"
And I have been thinking about this connection between Priesthood and Motherhood, then if there is a connection between Priesthood and Motherhood, one must then argue, that there is a connection not yet realized between Priestesshood and Fatherhood.
So with the way it is now, it may seem that Fatherhood takes a back seat to Priesthood. Except I don't see God calling himself the Almighty Priest. I see him calling himself Heavenly Father. So then it is the role of Father that is above priest, and that he could care less about being called a priest then being called a father. But in our mortal little world, we put fatherhood second to priesthood, and priestesshood second to motherhood.
I don't think it should be this way. So I get to thinking about what exactly is it about these four "roles" that have us all confused. And I think of the Testimony of Adam and Eve in a new way.
Adam stated I, he unequivocally was talking about himself, and finally taking responsibility for his transgression. I know exactly what President Hinckely thought of that, but I disagree. I will not use scriptures to put one person above the other in any way. That is not what the scriptures are about.
Think about it, most men talk in I. "I did this, I did that." It is always about themselves.
So the thought came to me late last night, the preisthood isn't supposed to be about "I", its supposed to be about we. I think the priesthood is supposed to teach men to think with a wholistic view, one they don't really ever have, in a patriarchal world. It is supposed to correct the presumption it is I.
Why God speaks in I, instead of We, I am still trying to figure it out. Maybe in that instance though it isn't about his presiding role, in fact that probably isn't even in consideration (not because its a given, because I just don't think God thinks that way). I think it was because he was trying to explain his atonement, which he did do. He was trying to explain what he is trying to do among men. It makes perfect sense to speak in I. Even if the Godhead acts as a "We".
Now what of the unknown priestesshood? Why is it so unknown? I don't think its unknown. I think God made perfectly clear that it is there, in the Temple. We just have been confused by it. To me I think now, and this thought came to me late last night, that the priestesshood is supposed to be the "I". It is supposed to teach women, that they can do somethings in the I, because women both culturally and natural view it as we. Since its through women, that the entire human culture comes through, the Priestesshood, is supposed to be there for each and every woman, to come to understand her individuality. Her power isn't solely centered around "We", she has individuality, individual strength. And I now think that the priestesshood is there to teach that.
If we all look through the lense that everything is patriarchal, it is always going to put women in a position of inferiority, and secondary nature. It is. And people who say it does not, are kidding themselves.
But if we study the scriptures, think on the stories of women (yes women, they are there, weather they are named or not), and realize that God through these individual women, are trying to tell us that women excercise all roles same as men, just differently. Then we can finally achieve equality. If we realize that Priesthood is supposed to make men unified and create a wholistic approach, where every other thing in culture is telling them, they are just in it for themselves and only themselves, it would help our men better understand how to excercise brotherly kindness and love.
If our Sisters understand that we have both a wholistic approach with motherhood, and an individualistic approach with Priestesshood. Then we can understand better that we have power, we have great influence.
It doesn't completely make sense to me yet. But sometimes I am trying to see a positive approach to it.
I even had the thought that the Ordiances of the Gospel, and Giving Blessings are men's Spiritual Gifts. Even if Men have others that are named in their Patriarchal Blessing. They mostly use those Spiritual Gifts, through excercising of their Priesthood.
For Women I sincerely believe that the untethered use of Spiritual Gifts is our Priestesshood. As well as performing some ordinances in the Temple. I feel that there is more. Oh there is a lot more. I am also beginning to sense we have a lot more then what we originally think.
One day, some day we will know fully what we are as women. We will see our Heavenly Mother, and not so much be acceptant of our role as Mothers and Wives, but be astounded at the Variety of Roles she does have, and that they are similar yet different from her husband. That they together make everything, and they together create. That nothing is done without either of them. I think that. I hope that.
And I have to say, I think we will be utmost surprised, at the utter lack of Patriarchy.
And if there is Patriarchy, then there is also Matriarchy. And if there are both of those then there is Egalitarianism in the Kingdom, Queendom, and Kin-dom of God. And these do not automatically cancel one another.
I think the Celestial Kin-dom is going to be more varied then we believe. I think we will all be surprised. I think there is a place for each and every one of us there. And its not going to be exactly the same for any of us.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Role Flexibility
The Family a Proclamation, probably has thee most controversial statement in it:
By Divine Design Fathers are to Preside, Protect and Provide the Necessities of Life for their families, Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of children.
The next sentence is a long the lines of helping each other in these roles as equal partners.
Except that to really be equal, and help each other in these roles one must view these roles as not black and white and set in stone. Not to let it become instead of Primarily, the world Solely, that Men are solely the heads of the family, and protect and provide the necessities of life, and that women are solely the nurtures of children. And that mothers do nothing else, and that father's do nothing else. Which it has, in many instances as far as what I can tell, been taken to be that way.
I think we need to practice Role Flexibility.
But how do we do that when we don't really see that in the scriptures with a clear example of Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father and what they do? How do we see how we can do that in our homes when our own Heavenly Parents way of actually living is veiled to us, one by our own inaction of finding out, and two by our own insistence that it has to be only one way, never the other?
It is difficult, I must admit, and I myself am still learning. But if we do not have our Heavenly Parents example, we can sure turn to the scriptures to see where women played protector (and deliverer), provider, and presider, as well as nurturer.
Deborah is the greatest example of the presider role. It doesn't matter weather you think she was a Judge of the whole of Israel, or only a portion. What matters is that she was in that role, and she did have authority to make judgements. It shows loud and clear that women can be Presiders, which automatically gives the ability to be judge. And every woman reading that scripture should understand that. I think it is a miracle that this example of a strong woman in a presiding role made it through, I am certain there where others, but this one made it through. And in that same story, we hear of another woman who put a stake through a man's head. Name escapes me at the moment.
An example of protectors follow a more "traditional" route, Two women who protected all the male children born to the women of Israel while they where in bondage in Egypt. These two women where then protected because they protected the children. Weather you believe it was a Male God or a Female God who primarily protected the woman is besides the point as well. The main point of the story isn't "Do as God would want you to do, and God will protect you" (Though that is a point don't get me wrong). The main point is that women can protect, and often protect the very beings who are too vulnerable to protect themselves, that is children. We can call that nurturing, but in this instance that word is lacking. This was protecting, this was saving these children, and thus saving the whole of Israel.
The Nurturer role for me is a little harder to pinpoint. Which women are prominently displayed nurturing thier children? I can not find an exact example in the Bible. But I can pinpoint an exact example in the Book of Mormon. It was Nephi's wife and her sisters that provided to their young children, born to them in the wilderness, food, while they where strengthened and found their strength to eat raw meat in order to provide food for their children. This story is told by a male glaze as so often the scriptures are, so we do not get a direct account of the experience from the women's point of view. But in my eyes, I see this as a great example of Women nurturing, during a trial that culture never prepared women for. I sometimes believe they came into their own strength. The Lord probably helped, but I often believe that it is women, who are able to find their own strength. Before this they where complaining. Well anybody would be if they found they where not capable of doing what they needed too. They probably cried, and prayed for some way to understand they where strong, and could make it through. We do not know the entire story. We can not really say. Another example of Women nurturing that grabs my thoughts is the Mothers who teach their sons all the words of God, after they loose their fathers to death (after their fathers made an oath not to fight again), (again in the Book of Mormon). This type of nurturing is teaching gospel, not anything physical. It is a nurturing of deeper spiritual significance, which makes women the teachers of truth and light as well as men in their priesthood callings.
The Provider? Who are the women who are providers for their family? Wasn't Ruth one for Naomi, when they came widowed and forlorn back from Moab, into Israel? Yes she got the leftovers from the harvest as other women did, but she eventually became a direct ancestor of David, through who's line that Jesus Christ would come. The best example of how a woman can provide for her family the necessities of life is found in Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 teaches of the Industrious woman. And what about the New Testament? All those women who are mentioned provided cloaks, and food, and homes for the church after Christ was killed and resurrected.
And what about nurturing men? What about that? Christ was the perfect example of one who nurtured. He often used analogies of a Hen gathering her Chicks under her wing as one who protected. Milk and Honey are provided by the hand of God, sort of like Milk is provided for a baby from its mother. The female is weaved constantly through and through the bible. But often it is ignored. For whatever reason.
Yet it is there. Teaching us of Role Flexibility. Teaching us that Roles aren't set in stone, that every one can do these things. But the one thing that matters, is that we:
Love God, and Love our neighbors as ourselves.
By Divine Design Fathers are to Preside, Protect and Provide the Necessities of Life for their families, Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of children.
The next sentence is a long the lines of helping each other in these roles as equal partners.
Except that to really be equal, and help each other in these roles one must view these roles as not black and white and set in stone. Not to let it become instead of Primarily, the world Solely, that Men are solely the heads of the family, and protect and provide the necessities of life, and that women are solely the nurtures of children. And that mothers do nothing else, and that father's do nothing else. Which it has, in many instances as far as what I can tell, been taken to be that way.
I think we need to practice Role Flexibility.
But how do we do that when we don't really see that in the scriptures with a clear example of Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father and what they do? How do we see how we can do that in our homes when our own Heavenly Parents way of actually living is veiled to us, one by our own inaction of finding out, and two by our own insistence that it has to be only one way, never the other?
It is difficult, I must admit, and I myself am still learning. But if we do not have our Heavenly Parents example, we can sure turn to the scriptures to see where women played protector (and deliverer), provider, and presider, as well as nurturer.
Deborah is the greatest example of the presider role. It doesn't matter weather you think she was a Judge of the whole of Israel, or only a portion. What matters is that she was in that role, and she did have authority to make judgements. It shows loud and clear that women can be Presiders, which automatically gives the ability to be judge. And every woman reading that scripture should understand that. I think it is a miracle that this example of a strong woman in a presiding role made it through, I am certain there where others, but this one made it through. And in that same story, we hear of another woman who put a stake through a man's head. Name escapes me at the moment.
An example of protectors follow a more "traditional" route, Two women who protected all the male children born to the women of Israel while they where in bondage in Egypt. These two women where then protected because they protected the children. Weather you believe it was a Male God or a Female God who primarily protected the woman is besides the point as well. The main point of the story isn't "Do as God would want you to do, and God will protect you" (Though that is a point don't get me wrong). The main point is that women can protect, and often protect the very beings who are too vulnerable to protect themselves, that is children. We can call that nurturing, but in this instance that word is lacking. This was protecting, this was saving these children, and thus saving the whole of Israel.
The Nurturer role for me is a little harder to pinpoint. Which women are prominently displayed nurturing thier children? I can not find an exact example in the Bible. But I can pinpoint an exact example in the Book of Mormon. It was Nephi's wife and her sisters that provided to their young children, born to them in the wilderness, food, while they where strengthened and found their strength to eat raw meat in order to provide food for their children. This story is told by a male glaze as so often the scriptures are, so we do not get a direct account of the experience from the women's point of view. But in my eyes, I see this as a great example of Women nurturing, during a trial that culture never prepared women for. I sometimes believe they came into their own strength. The Lord probably helped, but I often believe that it is women, who are able to find their own strength. Before this they where complaining. Well anybody would be if they found they where not capable of doing what they needed too. They probably cried, and prayed for some way to understand they where strong, and could make it through. We do not know the entire story. We can not really say. Another example of Women nurturing that grabs my thoughts is the Mothers who teach their sons all the words of God, after they loose their fathers to death (after their fathers made an oath not to fight again), (again in the Book of Mormon). This type of nurturing is teaching gospel, not anything physical. It is a nurturing of deeper spiritual significance, which makes women the teachers of truth and light as well as men in their priesthood callings.
The Provider? Who are the women who are providers for their family? Wasn't Ruth one for Naomi, when they came widowed and forlorn back from Moab, into Israel? Yes she got the leftovers from the harvest as other women did, but she eventually became a direct ancestor of David, through who's line that Jesus Christ would come. The best example of how a woman can provide for her family the necessities of life is found in Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 teaches of the Industrious woman. And what about the New Testament? All those women who are mentioned provided cloaks, and food, and homes for the church after Christ was killed and resurrected.
And what about nurturing men? What about that? Christ was the perfect example of one who nurtured. He often used analogies of a Hen gathering her Chicks under her wing as one who protected. Milk and Honey are provided by the hand of God, sort of like Milk is provided for a baby from its mother. The female is weaved constantly through and through the bible. But often it is ignored. For whatever reason.
Yet it is there. Teaching us of Role Flexibility. Teaching us that Roles aren't set in stone, that every one can do these things. But the one thing that matters, is that we:
Love God, and Love our neighbors as ourselves.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
What will our Mother say?
We often believe that our mother is going to be just so happy we are there, and just so happy that we got home safely, that she is not going to even bat an eye that we don't talk about her much, or that we make up really loving, but still a bit silly explanations of why she isn't spoken of.
I think the one thing she will say to all those who did not seek her, and did not want her name said, and did not make stretches to go against a pretty hardline patriarchy, to get to the real deep person Mother in Heaven is. Is this:
Why did you not seek me when I was calling you too?
It will be one of the questions, but if she only asked one, I believe it would be that.
Christ would say "I do not know you" at Judgement day it seems, but I am almost certain, our mother would know us, still love us, but still ask that question to hold us responsible for our actions.
She like Heavenly Father will be merciful, but will also fufill justice. And we must answer to Them for All our actions, every single one, the good and the bad, and even those areas that are often gray in our minds, and confusing. Every action we take is accounted for.
Sure we have the atonement, but the atonement can not cleanse us, of what we do not think we need to repent for, of what we do not think we even need to look for, and so those actions of not searching for Heavenly Mother, I think fall outside the atonements power, if we do not search for her.
I personally think, the Lord would love to tell us about her. I personally think he is waiting to give us more light and knowledge about her. And that she herself is waiting and willing to show us all she is. She gives us glimpses yes: Nature and Birth, but those are only two glimpses.
So I would ask now, for Heavenly Mother:
Why do you not seek her, when she is calling you too?
I think the one thing she will say to all those who did not seek her, and did not want her name said, and did not make stretches to go against a pretty hardline patriarchy, to get to the real deep person Mother in Heaven is. Is this:
Why did you not seek me when I was calling you too?
It will be one of the questions, but if she only asked one, I believe it would be that.
Christ would say "I do not know you" at Judgement day it seems, but I am almost certain, our mother would know us, still love us, but still ask that question to hold us responsible for our actions.
She like Heavenly Father will be merciful, but will also fufill justice. And we must answer to Them for All our actions, every single one, the good and the bad, and even those areas that are often gray in our minds, and confusing. Every action we take is accounted for.
Sure we have the atonement, but the atonement can not cleanse us, of what we do not think we need to repent for, of what we do not think we even need to look for, and so those actions of not searching for Heavenly Mother, I think fall outside the atonements power, if we do not search for her.
I personally think, the Lord would love to tell us about her. I personally think he is waiting to give us more light and knowledge about her. And that she herself is waiting and willing to show us all she is. She gives us glimpses yes: Nature and Birth, but those are only two glimpses.
So I would ask now, for Heavenly Mother:
Why do you not seek her, when she is calling you too?
Monday, March 12, 2012
My Favorite Feminist Quote and a job
It is time to leave the question of the role of women in society up to Mother Nature a difficult lady to fool. You have only to give women the same opportunities as men, and you will soon find out what is or is not in their nature.
-Clare Boothe Luce - Congresswoman 1943-1947, Ambassador to Italy 1953-1956, Editor, Playwright, social activist, journalist, and diplomat (born Ann Clare Boothe), 1981-1983 Presidential Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board, Presidential Medal of Freedom Recipient 1983
This is my all-time favorite feminist quote, it describes my view about women, and roles, and even men and roles, in the best way. I believe that this is the goal of feminism, to let women decide for themselves what they want to be.
I think it is great if women want to stay home with the kids, but what about daddy? What if he wants to as well? Then he should, but of course his wife would expect him to have a pretty good idea for a business that he could run from the home, and maybe they could start it together? There are a lot of ways that you could be a provider for your family and stay home, and I believe that both mother's and father's are providers, I believe they both are nurturers, and I believe they both desire to protect their children, and their spouse. They just will do things differently based somewhat on nature, mostly on culture. It is both to me, but I think culture in many ways outweighs what is nature.
I also think that its great if women want to work outside the home. Some women are not made to be in the four walls of their home, listening to little children yelling all day long. I was in Nursery, and as much as there were good moments, most days I came home with a headache, and I only was with all those little ones for only two hours. I can't possibly think of what it will be like when I am a mom. These weren't even my kids. Maybe when I am a mom, they will understand that you obey mom's rules. But I feel this really great desire to be out in the world, doing some good. As well as spending quality time with my kids, teaching them about everything. And yes, telling them mom's views, and encouraging them to come to their own views about things.
For now I guess that God the Father and Mother are trying to tell me that the good I can do in the world is to be a substitute teacher. And one day, I may start my political career on a school board some where. Which is my ultimate goal.
Political Career and being a mom, can it be done? Yes, if Men can do it, Women can. I know there is a lot more pressure from society in general for women to be good mothers and that means being at home most if not all the time, and the father's are just the baby sitters, and watching football games (sigh), but I think that in this day and age, we should have a different view.
As that quote says we should leave it up to mother nature what is natural or not. What is natural for the woman, it will show, what is not, she will not do.
I can't say though, that at first, I was very okay with the idea of being a teacher, even a substitute one. But I am okay with it now. It brings in some money for my husband and me, while he is in school. I really think that it is a stepping stone to the political career I want, and its an interesting stepping stone. Not really what I was focused on. But I am grateful for it, and hope to do my best.
I am really grateful, really relieved, and quite frankly think I can cry tears of joy for the second time in my life, rather then tears of sorrow.
Its not going to be easy, but I am hoping it will be worth it. I really think of this as a stepping stone. One I am so grateful for.
Me personally, I think we all want to teach, and we all teach in different ways. The Lord places a great deal of emphasis on teaching in the scriptures. (Which personally is why I think culture matters more, not biology). I even was told in a blessing that I am a good teacher. I think he wants me to teach. And eventually I may teach at the professor level. For now, I am teaching kids, I may just substitute for Grades K-12, to get a well rounded experience. It would offer a lot of variety. Something that I think I can handle.
Hmm, wow, well didn't mean to make it this long. Just have so many thoughts on this.
My favorite Mother in Heaven Quote and my Least favorite
My Favorite one is as follows:
In 1910 Apostle Rudger Clawson pointed out that men as well as women and children crave a mother in heaven to worship and “yearn to adore her.” He said, “It doesn’t take from our worship of the Eternal Father, to adore our Eternal mother, any more than it diminishes the love we bear our earthly fathers, to include our earthly mother in our affection”
--(Rudger Clawson, unsigned article, “Our Mother in Heaven,” Latter-day Saints’ Millennial Star 72 [29 Sept. 1910]: 619-20).
My least favorite one is as follows:
In a meeting for church regional representatives on 5 April 1991, Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor in the First Presidency, responded to reports that “here and there, prayers have been offered to our Mother in Heaven.” He had searched and found “nowhere in the Standard Works an account where Jesus prayed other than to His Father in Heaven … I have looked in vain for any instance … [of] 'a prayer to our Mother in Heaven.'” He said he “consider[s] it inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven” and instructed regional representatives to “counsel priesthood leaders to be on the alert for the use of this expression and to make correction where necessary. Such correction can be handled in a discreet and inoffensive way. But it should be firm and without equivocation.”
I do not think President Hinckely should have stated the last part. I'm sorry, but you should not correct me in how I pray. If we have a mother there, we should include her. People yearn for that as my favorite quote says. Just because the scriptures omit her from the Lords prayer. Just because the Doctrine and Covenants is written in such a male light, does not make it that the Lord didn't pray to her as well as him. There is even some scholarly evidence to suggest he used an Aramaic word (which like most languages is very patriarchal in nature) saying Father-Mother. How can that be untrue?
Honestly, but with all these quotes, the only one that stands as the nearest to what I would like the general population of the church to hear and understand is the one from 1910. That view should have been acted upon then.
My question isn't any more "Why is she silent?" It is: How do we integrate her?
I begin my integrating her in my testimony. I shared a testimony of her once. I can do it again, and again, and again. I will include her with in all the testimony about men and immortal men. She must be included somehow. I am certain a Testimony of her, would not be wrong.The more we testify of her, the more we can get used to hearing her name spoken. It will become second nature.
So no more will I speculate about her and why she is hidden, because I don't think she is hidden, I think she is there in plain sight. We just have not paid much attention to her, due to many different reasons. But for me, I want to include her in the most meaningful way I can. That is through song, and testimony.
I have this little song that I really want to write for children. Well actually its just taking that one line from Oh My Father like this:
Father, Mother may I greet thee,
When my earthly life is over
In they Royal Courts above
Until then please teach me
About eternal life, and love
Very simple, very sweet. Now would that even get through correlation? I hope so. If its meant to be, I will know when it is time. I think it is going to get through correlation, and I also get a feeling, I just have to write the tune and leave it alone until it is time.
In 1910 Apostle Rudger Clawson pointed out that men as well as women and children crave a mother in heaven to worship and “yearn to adore her.” He said, “It doesn’t take from our worship of the Eternal Father, to adore our Eternal mother, any more than it diminishes the love we bear our earthly fathers, to include our earthly mother in our affection”
--(Rudger Clawson, unsigned article, “Our Mother in Heaven,” Latter-day Saints’ Millennial Star 72 [29 Sept. 1910]: 619-20).
My least favorite one is as follows:
In a meeting for church regional representatives on 5 April 1991, Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor in the First Presidency, responded to reports that “here and there, prayers have been offered to our Mother in Heaven.” He had searched and found “nowhere in the Standard Works an account where Jesus prayed other than to His Father in Heaven … I have looked in vain for any instance … [of] 'a prayer to our Mother in Heaven.'” He said he “consider[s] it inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven” and instructed regional representatives to “counsel priesthood leaders to be on the alert for the use of this expression and to make correction where necessary. Such correction can be handled in a discreet and inoffensive way. But it should be firm and without equivocation.”
I do not think President Hinckely should have stated the last part. I'm sorry, but you should not correct me in how I pray. If we have a mother there, we should include her. People yearn for that as my favorite quote says. Just because the scriptures omit her from the Lords prayer. Just because the Doctrine and Covenants is written in such a male light, does not make it that the Lord didn't pray to her as well as him. There is even some scholarly evidence to suggest he used an Aramaic word (which like most languages is very patriarchal in nature) saying Father-Mother. How can that be untrue?
Honestly, but with all these quotes, the only one that stands as the nearest to what I would like the general population of the church to hear and understand is the one from 1910. That view should have been acted upon then.
My question isn't any more "Why is she silent?" It is: How do we integrate her?
I begin my integrating her in my testimony. I shared a testimony of her once. I can do it again, and again, and again. I will include her with in all the testimony about men and immortal men. She must be included somehow. I am certain a Testimony of her, would not be wrong.The more we testify of her, the more we can get used to hearing her name spoken. It will become second nature.
So no more will I speculate about her and why she is hidden, because I don't think she is hidden, I think she is there in plain sight. We just have not paid much attention to her, due to many different reasons. But for me, I want to include her in the most meaningful way I can. That is through song, and testimony.
I have this little song that I really want to write for children. Well actually its just taking that one line from Oh My Father like this:
Father, Mother may I greet thee,
When my earthly life is over
In they Royal Courts above
Until then please teach me
About eternal life, and love
Very simple, very sweet. Now would that even get through correlation? I hope so. If its meant to be, I will know when it is time. I think it is going to get through correlation, and I also get a feeling, I just have to write the tune and leave it alone until it is time.
Visiting Teaching
The Lord, and my Heavenly Parents are reminding me of something. That there are nice people in the church, and they honestly do their best to try to understand things.
Had a honest chat with my visiting teachers on Heavenly Mother. I can't keep it in. It hurts to much to do that anymore. I can't just keep it on the internet either. It must come out.
I do certainly say I love my visiting teachers. We are all at different points in our lives. Next time around I want to get to know them. I just wish I could untie my tounge (spelling?). I feel a little better talking to my visiting teachers about it. It relieved a lot of stress.
Now I'm not sorry for the rant, I have a feeling I don't have to be. We all have to just accept anger is apart of life. I mean God gets angry, I think its okay if I get angry, so long as it doesn't have a bad effect on me. I can't always say it doesn't.
The lesson was on Female identity, and coming to understand it. I think it would be so much easier if we just knew more about Heavenly Mother. One of my visiting teachers was talking about how there was lots of lost scriptures, and she feels robbed because there could be much in there about Heavenly Mother. She also brought up a good point that the scriptures we do have went through lots of translations so there could have been things in there that have been changed from a very feminine perspective to a more masculine one.
It just relieves me to a point, that they know. And I'm not alone. They may see it differently then I, being the passionate person I am about bringing heavenly mother into the light, but they do understand where I am.
I should do my visiting teaching, and hopefully the women I visit, can be expressive about their own doubts and trials.
I'm just glad, I was honest, saying I've been having a long trial of faith. I really don't think its going to end any time soon, but I'm tired of wrestling with God, for my answers. I know that Heavenly Father can mention things about Heavenly Mother to me. I asked him to, but now I just want to hear it from her.
Had a honest chat with my visiting teachers on Heavenly Mother. I can't keep it in. It hurts to much to do that anymore. I can't just keep it on the internet either. It must come out.
I do certainly say I love my visiting teachers. We are all at different points in our lives. Next time around I want to get to know them. I just wish I could untie my tounge (spelling?). I feel a little better talking to my visiting teachers about it. It relieved a lot of stress.
Now I'm not sorry for the rant, I have a feeling I don't have to be. We all have to just accept anger is apart of life. I mean God gets angry, I think its okay if I get angry, so long as it doesn't have a bad effect on me. I can't always say it doesn't.
The lesson was on Female identity, and coming to understand it. I think it would be so much easier if we just knew more about Heavenly Mother. One of my visiting teachers was talking about how there was lots of lost scriptures, and she feels robbed because there could be much in there about Heavenly Mother. She also brought up a good point that the scriptures we do have went through lots of translations so there could have been things in there that have been changed from a very feminine perspective to a more masculine one.
It just relieves me to a point, that they know. And I'm not alone. They may see it differently then I, being the passionate person I am about bringing heavenly mother into the light, but they do understand where I am.
I should do my visiting teaching, and hopefully the women I visit, can be expressive about their own doubts and trials.
I'm just glad, I was honest, saying I've been having a long trial of faith. I really don't think its going to end any time soon, but I'm tired of wrestling with God, for my answers. I know that Heavenly Father can mention things about Heavenly Mother to me. I asked him to, but now I just want to hear it from her.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Again the project
This project is on hold, but this blog has become so much more to me, then just a project. It has become my sacred ground. It has become the place I go to let off steam, to the silent virtual world.
It is the place, I hope some people like. If you don't, well I can't say I'm not sad about that, but what can I do? Chain you to your computer chair and make you read my blog??? Nah, not very possible.
I don't know what to make of this project sometimes. I think maybe its just a really nice long name for my journey. Well I think I will get the pink moccasins this week. I think I like that idea.
Oh photo, oops totally forgot. Um, it will probably take me a while to upload the photos.
God grant me comfort, and peace, to get through all the stuff that is supposed to teach me patience, kindness, and sisterly love. (how could i have brotherly love? I am not a brother, but a sister in the family of God).
It is the place, I hope some people like. If you don't, well I can't say I'm not sad about that, but what can I do? Chain you to your computer chair and make you read my blog??? Nah, not very possible.
I don't know what to make of this project sometimes. I think maybe its just a really nice long name for my journey. Well I think I will get the pink moccasins this week. I think I like that idea.
Oh photo, oops totally forgot. Um, it will probably take me a while to upload the photos.
God grant me comfort, and peace, to get through all the stuff that is supposed to teach me patience, kindness, and sisterly love. (how could i have brotherly love? I am not a brother, but a sister in the family of God).
Hating myself, loving others and project update
The balloons and moccasins project is indefinitely on hold until such time I feel I can do it, without a bunch of tears. I want the messages to be thoughtful, and clear. They can't be when I am still trying to figure out how to love myself, love womanhood as men see it, and for its secrets that only women really know, and to try to love men, with love unfeigned. I never truly thought I was loving anybody with feigned love.
Then I was reading that we can't fully love others until we love ourselves. I am trying to love myself, truly, okay maybe sometimes I fail completely in the endeavor but at least I am trying.
Then I think "God I can't even love myself, do I truly love my husband? Am I truly a good wife?"
There is a lot on my mind. This post could be a million sentences long, if I let it. So I will just end with this:
I hope that we can forgive each other, but more then that, actually work something out. I do not know what. But I want to try new things. Once our car is fixed. Yeah. The car.
You know what, this weekend was just not a good weekend all together. I am hoping I get the job I am interviewing for. I am hoping, I am hoping, I am hoping. I am going to practice interview questions in the mirror so I can focus on my facial expressions. What I think is normal, somebody else might take as hesitating, and unsure. Great.
Sometimes I have to do what the romans do. And I highly dislike it.
Then I was reading that we can't fully love others until we love ourselves. I am trying to love myself, truly, okay maybe sometimes I fail completely in the endeavor but at least I am trying.
Then I think "God I can't even love myself, do I truly love my husband? Am I truly a good wife?"
There is a lot on my mind. This post could be a million sentences long, if I let it. So I will just end with this:
I hope that we can forgive each other, but more then that, actually work something out. I do not know what. But I want to try new things. Once our car is fixed. Yeah. The car.
You know what, this weekend was just not a good weekend all together. I am hoping I get the job I am interviewing for. I am hoping, I am hoping, I am hoping. I am going to practice interview questions in the mirror so I can focus on my facial expressions. What I think is normal, somebody else might take as hesitating, and unsure. Great.
Sometimes I have to do what the romans do. And I highly dislike it.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Blood and Patriarchy
Yeah, don't come here if you do not like talking about Menstrual blood.
I hate it, and I have to live through it. For the past few months I have been on BC to avoid it like the plague it is.
I have been taught over and over again Eve wasn't cursed. I wonder if that is what she thought when she started bleeding, and having cramps.
Blood. Men shun it. I think in this case we still live the Law of Moses in a slight way. We may not remove women from our congregations during their period, but I assume most men think it is unclean, therefore women are unclean.
Feminist Mormon Housewives has a temple project going on, calling every temple to see what their policy is about baptism and women who are menstruating. A lot don't let the girls, because it could contaminate the chlorinated water. At least that is the general gist.
No Wonder I hate it! I HATE IT! Really, I hate the idea of pregnancy too. Oh I have heard how joyful it is to have that baby, but the process of pregnancy is excruciately painful, and there is blood there too. But because there is a baby coming out, and not just blood, because the body decided to ovulate, and there was sperm to meet it, then that is considered wonderful! I really wonder if Eve truly thought it was that way, when she was going through it. I heard her be thankful for children. And of course when I have children, I will be thankful for them, but I after I am done having children. I will cut off that ability to have a period, and have kids. Therefore ending my abject misery. I mean it.
And if that is not a curse. I will say the abrupt "He shall rule over you" is a curse. Because it is taught in the church, to never end. To go on and on in the eternities. Father is the representative, Father is the creator, Father leads, presides, protects, and oh he gets the nurturing role too. It is all about Father, and not once, not once do we ever get to hear about mother, unless its convenient.
"We have a family in Heaven. We all come from Heavenly Parents. We have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother too. " That is how it starts. Then:
"Our Father in Heaven sent us here. He created our bodies..." Wait! He did what?! He created them, all by himself, he, him? The one thing we give to women, the creation of bodies, we can not possibly contribute to Heavenly Mother?!
Sometimes I think some women are right in saying that men have womb envy. And it shows big time, in Patriarchy, in the Bible. Anything creative. No its men, women are just vessels. Men are creators, women are the hotels for baby. But then wait, no women do create, but they create only as a vessel for the real true creator, that is *drum roll please!:
And then I go back to I hate this. Its been an absolute traumatic experience for me. I am super surprised I am not having nightmares about it.
I wonder if I can even call myself a feminist at times. I wonder. Because there are times where I truly 100% hate myself, hate that I was even born. I don't think there really is a deeper meaning to any of that. I don't think it was because of some other traumatic childhood experience. IT WAS because of this damn menstruating thing. And then I really hate men. A lot!
And I will end this rant. I hate my period, I hate the idea of childbirth, and I hate patriarchy.
I hate it, and I have to live through it. For the past few months I have been on BC to avoid it like the plague it is.
I have been taught over and over again Eve wasn't cursed. I wonder if that is what she thought when she started bleeding, and having cramps.
Blood. Men shun it. I think in this case we still live the Law of Moses in a slight way. We may not remove women from our congregations during their period, but I assume most men think it is unclean, therefore women are unclean.
Feminist Mormon Housewives has a temple project going on, calling every temple to see what their policy is about baptism and women who are menstruating. A lot don't let the girls, because it could contaminate the chlorinated water. At least that is the general gist.
No Wonder I hate it! I HATE IT! Really, I hate the idea of pregnancy too. Oh I have heard how joyful it is to have that baby, but the process of pregnancy is excruciately painful, and there is blood there too. But because there is a baby coming out, and not just blood, because the body decided to ovulate, and there was sperm to meet it, then that is considered wonderful! I really wonder if Eve truly thought it was that way, when she was going through it. I heard her be thankful for children. And of course when I have children, I will be thankful for them, but I after I am done having children. I will cut off that ability to have a period, and have kids. Therefore ending my abject misery. I mean it.
And if that is not a curse. I will say the abrupt "He shall rule over you" is a curse. Because it is taught in the church, to never end. To go on and on in the eternities. Father is the representative, Father is the creator, Father leads, presides, protects, and oh he gets the nurturing role too. It is all about Father, and not once, not once do we ever get to hear about mother, unless its convenient.
"We have a family in Heaven. We all come from Heavenly Parents. We have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother too. " That is how it starts. Then:
"Our Father in Heaven sent us here. He created our bodies..." Wait! He did what?! He created them, all by himself, he, him? The one thing we give to women, the creation of bodies, we can not possibly contribute to Heavenly Mother?!
Sometimes I think some women are right in saying that men have womb envy. And it shows big time, in Patriarchy, in the Bible. Anything creative. No its men, women are just vessels. Men are creators, women are the hotels for baby. But then wait, no women do create, but they create only as a vessel for the real true creator, that is *drum roll please!:
HEAVENLY FATHER
(slap forehead, and sigh)
And then I go back to I hate this. Its been an absolute traumatic experience for me. I am super surprised I am not having nightmares about it.
I wonder if I can even call myself a feminist at times. I wonder. Because there are times where I truly 100% hate myself, hate that I was even born. I don't think there really is a deeper meaning to any of that. I don't think it was because of some other traumatic childhood experience. IT WAS because of this damn menstruating thing. And then I really hate men. A lot!
And I will end this rant. I hate my period, I hate the idea of childbirth, and I hate patriarchy.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
So I sent a red balloon today
I sent a red balloon today, will upload the picture as soon as I can. Well I sent two actually.
It was in honors of international women's day. I was planning to do this every day, but I think once a week would be good. Every thursday seems like a good idea to me. Then with the final balloon being mother's day.
This project is interesting, but I realized this project is more then Red Balloons and Pink Moccasins.
This project is also about women, valuing women in whatever they do. Seeing how that is equal with men. Seeing how it is different from men, but still wonderful.
I guess I got a lot of the message "to be feminine is to be weak" from the euphemisms of "Don't be like a girl." "Don't be a sissy." "Crying is weak", that we hear all too often in our culture.
*sigh* Well I think I'm going to cry, and try to tell myself I am strong instead of weak. I think I am going to just prove to myself, that I can be valued.
I also read this one quote that struck me "Women haven't realized that people aren't given power, they just take it". I guess in a way that is true. Nobody will give me any power then I give myself. Nobody will respect me till I respect myself. And nobody, nobody will understand my feelings, until I understand them myself.
And Every woman everywhere, anytime you hear your son, or husband, or somebody say "Girls aren't good in that" ask "Why not?" Tell them a story of a lady you know that excels in that. Tell your sons, girls can do that thing you think they can't, they are probably going to do it differently. And if they do it like the boys, that is okay. It is okay either way.
*sigh* and I'm so tired right now. Good night.
It was in honors of international women's day. I was planning to do this every day, but I think once a week would be good. Every thursday seems like a good idea to me. Then with the final balloon being mother's day.
This project is interesting, but I realized this project is more then Red Balloons and Pink Moccasins.
This project is also about women, valuing women in whatever they do. Seeing how that is equal with men. Seeing how it is different from men, but still wonderful.
I guess I got a lot of the message "to be feminine is to be weak" from the euphemisms of "Don't be like a girl." "Don't be a sissy." "Crying is weak", that we hear all too often in our culture.
*sigh* Well I think I'm going to cry, and try to tell myself I am strong instead of weak. I think I am going to just prove to myself, that I can be valued.
I also read this one quote that struck me "Women haven't realized that people aren't given power, they just take it". I guess in a way that is true. Nobody will give me any power then I give myself. Nobody will respect me till I respect myself. And nobody, nobody will understand my feelings, until I understand them myself.
And Every woman everywhere, anytime you hear your son, or husband, or somebody say "Girls aren't good in that" ask "Why not?" Tell them a story of a lady you know that excels in that. Tell your sons, girls can do that thing you think they can't, they are probably going to do it differently. And if they do it like the boys, that is okay. It is okay either way.
*sigh* and I'm so tired right now. Good night.
International Women's Day
Today is International Women's Day,
And I can't go to any commemoration ceremonies because of how far away I am from big cities. And time, and such. And to tell you the truth I didn't look.
So, what can I do to celebrate International Women's Day, by starting this project today, except its hitting a bit of a snafu. We don't have helium. Honestly, helium. I forgot the Helium. Dangit.
Well I should go to the store, again. And get a few red balloons blown up. But first, lunch. Because I can't go to the store without eating.
Happy International Women's Day! Hope those of you who are at activities are enjoying them. Here is to a safer world for Men, Women and Children.
And I can't go to any commemoration ceremonies because of how far away I am from big cities. And time, and such. And to tell you the truth I didn't look.
So, what can I do to celebrate International Women's Day, by starting this project today, except its hitting a bit of a snafu. We don't have helium. Honestly, helium. I forgot the Helium. Dangit.
Well I should go to the store, again. And get a few red balloons blown up. But first, lunch. Because I can't go to the store without eating.
Happy International Women's Day! Hope those of you who are at activities are enjoying them. Here is to a safer world for Men, Women and Children.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Answers
Okay moving on.
I probably give the impression that I have received not one single answer. Well that is wrong. Yes, wrong of me to make it seem like that.
I have received revelation. It's just not as complete as I would like.
And yeah I sin, I wish that I could have a dream of Heavenly Mother. Yea. Definitely sinning in this wish. But then again, I don't think so. I often heard that you shouldn't seek dreams and visions, but, I did seek one, once, to know my light and power. And I asked around a few times, at least 3 possibly more. I got that dream. Others just came to me. Like that dream I wrote about in another post.
Seriously. I've received answers. I just would like to receive some more. Maybe the thing with the answers is that I'm not asking the wrong questions. I probably simply am asking the same questions I've always asked. So I should probably write these questions down, and review the answers I have gotten.
That should be good. Waiting to launch this project. Need to go out tomorrow. Need to.
I probably give the impression that I have received not one single answer. Well that is wrong. Yes, wrong of me to make it seem like that.
I have received revelation. It's just not as complete as I would like.
And yeah I sin, I wish that I could have a dream of Heavenly Mother. Yea. Definitely sinning in this wish. But then again, I don't think so. I often heard that you shouldn't seek dreams and visions, but, I did seek one, once, to know my light and power. And I asked around a few times, at least 3 possibly more. I got that dream. Others just came to me. Like that dream I wrote about in another post.
Seriously. I've received answers. I just would like to receive some more. Maybe the thing with the answers is that I'm not asking the wrong questions. I probably simply am asking the same questions I've always asked. So I should probably write these questions down, and review the answers I have gotten.
That should be good. Waiting to launch this project. Need to go out tomorrow. Need to.
UG!
Update: Got an apology. Feeling a little bit better, but still need sometime to fully forgive.
Very very very bad day. Extremely bad day. Tired of people who are supposedly trying to offer advice, telling me to let things go!
I think that just made me get an ulcer. Yeah I've been stressed. And Sure I've been thinking this over and over again. Today I just wanted to take a day to review some of forums I belonged to. But no I get a comment, that had no business being said in a public way. This is why there is private messaging on message boards because somethings you say privately.
So frustrating. I am hoping that the issue gets resolved, and that I can find it in myself, or at least ask God to feel his and her love for this child of theirs. For now though:
So pissed off and cynical, and angry.
Monday, March 5, 2012
I shall say...
That I am very much a modern day socrates. I question everything. It is not because I hate, (well sometimes I do), but its mostly because I want our Church to become more complete, more closer in knowledge. And questions get knowledge. Even if I feel that sometimes I'm running a monologue and no answer will come.
Launch Date and personal revelation
Just a quick update to state that my Launch date for this project will be March 8th, international Woman's day.
For those who visit my blog. Please note, I have my ups and downs like anybody else. I am human. I have emotion. I try not to blame anybody for our lack of knowledge. But I see that we are all collectively responsible for that lack, if what we say is really true, about personal revelation and even continual revelation then why is this such a common occurrence in the church?:
I have received some personal revelation I would like to share with you bishop.
Okay so what is this personal revelation?
Well I received an answer that patriarchy isn't good for the Church.
The Prophets have said Patriarchy is set forth by God, pray about it again
But Bishop, I already prayed and fasted for weeks on this.
Sister you should go an pray about it again. I am sure you will receive the correct answer. It must have just been your thoughts getting in the will of God.
Or so I've heard. My experience has been only to say I received Revelation. And leave the details out.
Revelation is only deemed valuable if it flows with the Leaders of the Church's thoughts and opinions.
Its enough to give a girl a headache. Now I have never truly stated any of my revelations. Only a dream. I state one to you now, because I am not afraid to be mocked.
The one I remember right now is that, I was sitting in my room. Veiling my face, but it kept falling back, I didn't know why. It felt like it was being pulled. Then suddenly I heard a voice very clearly say to me. "I did not make my daughters to veil their faces". It was a strong message that we are supposed to be visible. And yet, my reality is different. In the Temple women do veil their faces. And God specifically told me that we are not made to veil our faces. I can understand a head covering, sure. But the face veil? Makes me feel second class. It really honestly truly does, no matter how many ways I try to make peace with it. I find it useless. So it probably is useless as a symbol to me and God quite possibly was trying to tell me that.
I feel a warmth surging through my body I can only recognize to be the spirit of God. There is no other name for it. I haven't even launched this project, and the spiritual experiences are flowing in.
This blog is therapeutic for me.
For those who visit my blog. Please note, I have my ups and downs like anybody else. I am human. I have emotion. I try not to blame anybody for our lack of knowledge. But I see that we are all collectively responsible for that lack, if what we say is really true, about personal revelation and even continual revelation then why is this such a common occurrence in the church?:
I have received some personal revelation I would like to share with you bishop.
Okay so what is this personal revelation?
Well I received an answer that patriarchy isn't good for the Church.
The Prophets have said Patriarchy is set forth by God, pray about it again
But Bishop, I already prayed and fasted for weeks on this.
Sister you should go an pray about it again. I am sure you will receive the correct answer. It must have just been your thoughts getting in the will of God.
Or so I've heard. My experience has been only to say I received Revelation. And leave the details out.
Revelation is only deemed valuable if it flows with the Leaders of the Church's thoughts and opinions.
Its enough to give a girl a headache. Now I have never truly stated any of my revelations. Only a dream. I state one to you now, because I am not afraid to be mocked.
The one I remember right now is that, I was sitting in my room. Veiling my face, but it kept falling back, I didn't know why. It felt like it was being pulled. Then suddenly I heard a voice very clearly say to me. "I did not make my daughters to veil their faces". It was a strong message that we are supposed to be visible. And yet, my reality is different. In the Temple women do veil their faces. And God specifically told me that we are not made to veil our faces. I can understand a head covering, sure. But the face veil? Makes me feel second class. It really honestly truly does, no matter how many ways I try to make peace with it. I find it useless. So it probably is useless as a symbol to me and God quite possibly was trying to tell me that.
I feel a warmth surging through my body I can only recognize to be the spirit of God. There is no other name for it. I haven't even launched this project, and the spiritual experiences are flowing in.
This blog is therapeutic for me.
More preparation
In more preparation for this project, I have read many things about Heavenly Mother. All these thoughts intertwine with my feelings and I think about what it may mean to be a Goddess myself one day, for that is what my religion teaches, that we can one day become like God. Who is both Male and Female.
My only problem with everything I read is this: Will I just be the invisible part of God? Why is the representative of God, always, almost always male?
It seems to me sometimes it is just representative of our genitalia. That man's are on the outside, so Men must be more capable of being outward. Women's are inward, more mysterious, so of course women must in ward, private. It almost always is that it seems.
It doesn't have to be.
Thinking about the Church. Yeah the Church has every right to say "Don't discuss Heavenly Mother, don't pray to her, don't talk of her" and make up excuses why we should not. The Church can do everything it is doing.
Except they can't stop it forever. They can't control peoples actions at work, and at home, and in their personal spiritual lives.
You know I am angry, but I realized in this anger is the potential to change something. I am saddened, and in this sadness is the potential to acknowledge the sadness across the world. In this emotion there is power. In these things mortal men view as weak, there is great strength. Maybe that is just the first lesson in this long journey I am learning.
I listened to a podcast today to, in preparation for this project. And it stated go and talk and speak up. Well right now, would not be the best time for me to explain anything to my Bishop. I have done so, and it went over well sometimes, and other times, not so much. So my willingness to speak up and out, is very much low.
And maybe that is why I feel strongly God is calling me to this project. In this way I do not have to speak so much. I can take time to listen. And also for this blog. The internet is my oasis in the middle of my wilderness. I hope to be come strong like unto men, wait no. I think Nephi was just sharing with us his opinion of what he saw through male eyes. I feel most definitely His wife, and her sisters in the wilderness, most definitely came into their own strength, and realized they are strong like men. So this is my wilderness, where I hope to become stronger. And maybe at the end of the journey, while I am alive I hope, I will see it happen, that she is welcomed as much as he. That she is speaking to us as much as him.
My only problem with everything I read is this: Will I just be the invisible part of God? Why is the representative of God, always, almost always male?
It seems to me sometimes it is just representative of our genitalia. That man's are on the outside, so Men must be more capable of being outward. Women's are inward, more mysterious, so of course women must in ward, private. It almost always is that it seems.
It doesn't have to be.
Thinking about the Church. Yeah the Church has every right to say "Don't discuss Heavenly Mother, don't pray to her, don't talk of her" and make up excuses why we should not. The Church can do everything it is doing.
Except they can't stop it forever. They can't control peoples actions at work, and at home, and in their personal spiritual lives.
You know I am angry, but I realized in this anger is the potential to change something. I am saddened, and in this sadness is the potential to acknowledge the sadness across the world. In this emotion there is power. In these things mortal men view as weak, there is great strength. Maybe that is just the first lesson in this long journey I am learning.
I listened to a podcast today to, in preparation for this project. And it stated go and talk and speak up. Well right now, would not be the best time for me to explain anything to my Bishop. I have done so, and it went over well sometimes, and other times, not so much. So my willingness to speak up and out, is very much low.
And maybe that is why I feel strongly God is calling me to this project. In this way I do not have to speak so much. I can take time to listen. And also for this blog. The internet is my oasis in the middle of my wilderness. I hope to be come strong like unto men, wait no. I think Nephi was just sharing with us his opinion of what he saw through male eyes. I feel most definitely His wife, and her sisters in the wilderness, most definitely came into their own strength, and realized they are strong like men. So this is my wilderness, where I hope to become stronger. And maybe at the end of the journey, while I am alive I hope, I will see it happen, that she is welcomed as much as he. That she is speaking to us as much as him.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Preparing for the project
Considering my previous post on Church. And how I sometimes feel I need a break (and herald body problems to make that break possible, sometimes I think God does listen to my prayers). I am thinking about how to prepare for the project.
I could fast, but my hypoglycemia won't let me. I could read the scriptures of women, and may slowly start doing that. It just will take a while to not cringe. I got in this little habit of hating it for its very many flaws. And the fact that it was written by men, really hit a soft spot for me.
But I am trying, very slowly, to overcome it. I think in many ways the Lord understand that.
So for this project I really think the best way to prepare for this project is to simply take moments to be calm. I am certain that Heavenly Mother is more calm then I am. I think she is assertive, and firm, and knows who she is and what she wants. And I must take a moment to be calm, and assertive and know what I want, and who I am. That is the best way to prepare for the project.
I could fast, but my hypoglycemia won't let me. I could read the scriptures of women, and may slowly start doing that. It just will take a while to not cringe. I got in this little habit of hating it for its very many flaws. And the fact that it was written by men, really hit a soft spot for me.
But I am trying, very slowly, to overcome it. I think in many ways the Lord understand that.
So for this project I really think the best way to prepare for this project is to simply take moments to be calm. I am certain that Heavenly Mother is more calm then I am. I think she is assertive, and firm, and knows who she is and what she wants. And I must take a moment to be calm, and assertive and know what I want, and who I am. That is the best way to prepare for the project.
Change of view
I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind that I did a verbal vomit on this blog. This really isn't what this blog will be about. I hope that once I get my red balloons and pink moccasins, and lunch this project, I can focus more on how God wants us to exercise power and influence:
"By persuasion, long-suffering, and love unfeigned"
I hope that I can come to at least tolerate those who cling to patriarchy. Honestly. I am hoping I can be able to explain lovingly, and persuade through my patience how we could do it differently. But I think I may be combining two project ideas into one.
I will not erase my other posts. I said what I said. But I hope I can say it, that doesn't sound angry, or belligerent. I hope that those who are skeptical can come to understand why I do this.
Simply, I am trying to change my view of those who believe in patriarchy. Trying not to get mad. It may take me a while. I hope with these red balloons, and pink moccasins, I can.
"By persuasion, long-suffering, and love unfeigned"
I hope that I can come to at least tolerate those who cling to patriarchy. Honestly. I am hoping I can be able to explain lovingly, and persuade through my patience how we could do it differently. But I think I may be combining two project ideas into one.
I will not erase my other posts. I said what I said. But I hope I can say it, that doesn't sound angry, or belligerent. I hope that those who are skeptical can come to understand why I do this.
Simply, I am trying to change my view of those who believe in patriarchy. Trying not to get mad. It may take me a while. I hope with these red balloons, and pink moccasins, I can.
Church
Church. I did not go today. Not because of a headache, but because my stomach and intestines are doing what they normally do all the time, bug the heck out of me.
Lets just call it stress does a wonderful thing to your digestive track. And I've been stressed all my life.
And its not over. This has stressed me. Church. I really sometimes think I need a break. I need to be free a little bit from the supposed judgement I may get, if I say something that is more feminist then people will like. I also need room to understand I can be who I want to be. Church feels suffocating. Its monotonous too, the same lessons week after week after week. And please I know the whole "But you can learn something new every week, I do" statement. There are only so many times I can glean something new from the lessons. Sometimes the layers of meanings do have an end. There really is only so much layers of meaning one can fit into a certain set of scripture verses.
I look at my Patriarchal blessing and wish I had a matriarchal blessing to go with it. Sometimes Mother's are aware of things Fathers are not. It would just help. Why can't we? Oh because women don't have the priesthood. Oh that again. That again, and again and again. Limit the spiritual power of women because they don't hold the priesthood. Again and again and again. And this is why I kind of don't mind missing church. Or is it "Well mother is speaking through father, telling father what he doesn't know, its there, don't worry"...Right 0.o...because that makes me feel better. *sigh* *not really*
And yes I do have a legitimate reason, both of these are. How can I bring a good spirit about me when I am grumbling about patriarchy, and how can can I bring a good spirit about me, when my stomach may send me to the bathroom any minute during the lesson? Really have you been in church not feeling good? I have, its not fun or pleasant, and all I want to do is sleep. I am not focused on the lesson or anything like that.
So Church today, is out of the question. Sometimes I wish church was more like a black methodist choir, Alleujahs and Amens. Honestly. Sometimes...
Lets just call it stress does a wonderful thing to your digestive track. And I've been stressed all my life.
And its not over. This has stressed me. Church. I really sometimes think I need a break. I need to be free a little bit from the supposed judgement I may get, if I say something that is more feminist then people will like. I also need room to understand I can be who I want to be. Church feels suffocating. Its monotonous too, the same lessons week after week after week. And please I know the whole "But you can learn something new every week, I do" statement. There are only so many times I can glean something new from the lessons. Sometimes the layers of meanings do have an end. There really is only so much layers of meaning one can fit into a certain set of scripture verses.
I look at my Patriarchal blessing and wish I had a matriarchal blessing to go with it. Sometimes Mother's are aware of things Fathers are not. It would just help. Why can't we? Oh because women don't have the priesthood. Oh that again. That again, and again and again. Limit the spiritual power of women because they don't hold the priesthood. Again and again and again. And this is why I kind of don't mind missing church. Or is it "Well mother is speaking through father, telling father what he doesn't know, its there, don't worry"...Right 0.o...because that makes me feel better. *sigh* *not really*
And yes I do have a legitimate reason, both of these are. How can I bring a good spirit about me when I am grumbling about patriarchy, and how can can I bring a good spirit about me, when my stomach may send me to the bathroom any minute during the lesson? Really have you been in church not feeling good? I have, its not fun or pleasant, and all I want to do is sleep. I am not focused on the lesson or anything like that.
So Church today, is out of the question. Sometimes I wish church was more like a black methodist choir, Alleujahs and Amens. Honestly. Sometimes...
The appearance of Righteousness...not
I must address a possible criticism of this project. That I am trying to appear righteous, while secretly wanting to destroy the church.
That is never my intent. And those who think so, if there are any out there who think that way, will not change their minds. They have already judged me, and they shall earn their reward. And I never really want to appear as being righteous. I am simply trying to come to an answer on my own time, and own terms, rather then ones set forth by brethren, who don't know me. Plus I feel God wants me to do this. I do. And its just sending red balloons and wearing pink moccasins. Is it a statement yes, but nothing that people can't ignore.
I can see it now "Oh there is the crazy lady, with her red balloon and pink moccasins, ignore her."
Well at least I feel that if I am a crazy lady, I am my Heavenly Parent's crazy lady. But I do not, with God as my witness, want to appear as if I am being more righteous then others. Actually I am not.
For years I have tried to live by the book, exactly, literally and do everything the prophets said. I will always strive to keep exactly what I have kept. I will not drink (Kidney problems run high in my family, why would I kill myself slowly by drinking?). I will not smoke (Um, I was born premature, and because of that have asthma, definitely not going to do that, not to mention I can't come with in feet of a smoker or I have an asthma attack). So word of wisdom on the "Do not's" will be there.
I still believe in the atonement of Christ. Of course I do. It has gotten me through some terrible things. It is healing me of past pain, and helping me move on. I believe that the Holy Spirit is both comforter, and sanctifier (that is why we need to be confirmed and receive the Holy Spirit, who sanctifies us). I believe in that families can be together forever, even though I am not 100% certain of that fact. I so badly want it to be true. At least that I can be with my husband forever and ever.
I also believe that things aren't as they seem. We seem so sure everything is 100% set in stone, but things have changed, and things will change. The only thing set in stone, is the fact that we all need salvation. And that we are all seeking answers. Well I go back to the question of "Where did I come from?" And if I have a father in Heaven, I must have a mother, but I am so not content with just saying "I have a mother there". I am more content with finding out more about her. I already know a lot about my Father in Heaven. It is time I come to know Mama.
And so no, not doing this for the appearance of righteousness. In fact I can hear the criticism, that I am going against the words of a prophet who said don't pray to her, by sending her messages on a balloon (as if that is akin to our ritualized prayer of Dear Heavenly Father...I thank thee, I ask thee, In Jesus Name Amen). Well it is not doctrine, I don't see any thing in the Scriptures that say go seek her, except the omission of that, doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't do that. And even though Christ talks about him and the father, (over and over, and over again), doesn't necessarily mean that Christ doesn't want us to know our heavenly Mother.
That is never my intent. And those who think so, if there are any out there who think that way, will not change their minds. They have already judged me, and they shall earn their reward. And I never really want to appear as being righteous. I am simply trying to come to an answer on my own time, and own terms, rather then ones set forth by brethren, who don't know me. Plus I feel God wants me to do this. I do. And its just sending red balloons and wearing pink moccasins. Is it a statement yes, but nothing that people can't ignore.
I can see it now "Oh there is the crazy lady, with her red balloon and pink moccasins, ignore her."
Well at least I feel that if I am a crazy lady, I am my Heavenly Parent's crazy lady. But I do not, with God as my witness, want to appear as if I am being more righteous then others. Actually I am not.
For years I have tried to live by the book, exactly, literally and do everything the prophets said. I will always strive to keep exactly what I have kept. I will not drink (Kidney problems run high in my family, why would I kill myself slowly by drinking?). I will not smoke (Um, I was born premature, and because of that have asthma, definitely not going to do that, not to mention I can't come with in feet of a smoker or I have an asthma attack). So word of wisdom on the "Do not's" will be there.
I still believe in the atonement of Christ. Of course I do. It has gotten me through some terrible things. It is healing me of past pain, and helping me move on. I believe that the Holy Spirit is both comforter, and sanctifier (that is why we need to be confirmed and receive the Holy Spirit, who sanctifies us). I believe in that families can be together forever, even though I am not 100% certain of that fact. I so badly want it to be true. At least that I can be with my husband forever and ever.
I also believe that things aren't as they seem. We seem so sure everything is 100% set in stone, but things have changed, and things will change. The only thing set in stone, is the fact that we all need salvation. And that we are all seeking answers. Well I go back to the question of "Where did I come from?" And if I have a father in Heaven, I must have a mother, but I am so not content with just saying "I have a mother there". I am more content with finding out more about her. I already know a lot about my Father in Heaven. It is time I come to know Mama.
And so no, not doing this for the appearance of righteousness. In fact I can hear the criticism, that I am going against the words of a prophet who said don't pray to her, by sending her messages on a balloon (as if that is akin to our ritualized prayer of Dear Heavenly Father...I thank thee, I ask thee, In Jesus Name Amen). Well it is not doctrine, I don't see any thing in the Scriptures that say go seek her, except the omission of that, doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't do that. And even though Christ talks about him and the father, (over and over, and over again), doesn't necessarily mean that Christ doesn't want us to know our heavenly Mother.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
By Small and Great things
So I wonder how small of a move I must make to make a great change happen. I know that there are Dominos already in play so to speak. I wonder if this project of mine will be that domino.
I have considered publishing this as a book, but I think that will come in time. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I want this to reach as many people as possible. And it will in time.
I think sometimes I think too large, I forget that I have lots of power and influence over those around me, more then I even know. Thing is, we try to shy away from power, because we seek after the wrong kind.
I don't seek after power to control others, I seek after power to persuade others, and the rightful power that should be mind as a priestess. I do not feel I should get that power at all from a man. Maybe some things are done through the male priesthood, but right now, it feels like everything is.
*sigh* I just hope soon, that something will change that. I only do this so that she may be known to be as important as him. I don't want to repeat the same mistake all faiths have made: Choosing between A Male God, or a Female God to worship. I don't want to make that mistake that it has to be either or, and that one has to have greater power then the other. And only one God can lead, you can't have two leaders (except you do everyday, in the situation called the family, and that isn't as black and white as it seems).
Hmm, maybe this is more appropriate of a rant for my other blog. It is late, and bedtime calls. I am hoping to make it through church tomorrow. If I don't go, its because I have a king size headache, from staying up way too late.
I have considered publishing this as a book, but I think that will come in time. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I want this to reach as many people as possible. And it will in time.
I think sometimes I think too large, I forget that I have lots of power and influence over those around me, more then I even know. Thing is, we try to shy away from power, because we seek after the wrong kind.
I don't seek after power to control others, I seek after power to persuade others, and the rightful power that should be mind as a priestess. I do not feel I should get that power at all from a man. Maybe some things are done through the male priesthood, but right now, it feels like everything is.
*sigh* I just hope soon, that something will change that. I only do this so that she may be known to be as important as him. I don't want to repeat the same mistake all faiths have made: Choosing between A Male God, or a Female God to worship. I don't want to make that mistake that it has to be either or, and that one has to have greater power then the other. And only one God can lead, you can't have two leaders (except you do everyday, in the situation called the family, and that isn't as black and white as it seems).
Hmm, maybe this is more appropriate of a rant for my other blog. It is late, and bedtime calls. I am hoping to make it through church tomorrow. If I don't go, its because I have a king size headache, from staying up way too late.
He who says little
I was thinking about this though, words are important, and this quote came to me, at least I paraphrase it.
He who speaks to much knows little, and he who speaks little knows a lot.
I think that is truthful, but this little thing popped into my head.
"Ah, but he who speaks to little will never be heard"
and
"Even if he knows a lot, if he does not say so, no one would know".
He who speaks to much knows little, and he who speaks little knows a lot.
I think that is truthful, but this little thing popped into my head.
"Ah, but he who speaks to little will never be heard"
and
"Even if he knows a lot, if he does not say so, no one would know".
Words vs. Actions
I am having a hard time with words. Words are great, fantastic really, and we need them, but so many words about how valuable women are, doesn't really appeal to me, when our actions keep women out of governance, in a meaningful way. I mean that we are not allowing women to be in the Prayer circle of the Temple, Actually giving the prayer. Asking for revelation. And since we are staunch that its only the Prophet(s) and the male priesthood holder in that position who receives revelation, any views women have are treated as not important if its about women seeking what more God can give them. And if I am wrong, can somebody do something to prove to me otherwise? Oh yeah, but I ask for the impossible it seems. To understand a different way of governing and put away all need for patriarchy.
Which is why I do this project. I am not okay with only words, I need action, and if Mother is a real being with flesh and bones in Heaven, I am certain she will get my red balloons. Its a humbling thing really.
Prayer if done well is supposed to be humble, and I've been flunking that. In fact I am reading Flunking Sainthood to make myself feel better about being completely terrible about things that church says should give blessings, and knowledge. Reading Scriptures is the same way.
I need something else in my life to focus on, and these red balloons will be my way of saying prayer, and my way of showing action. Rather then just spitting out words.
Which is why I do this project. I am not okay with only words, I need action, and if Mother is a real being with flesh and bones in Heaven, I am certain she will get my red balloons. Its a humbling thing really.
Prayer if done well is supposed to be humble, and I've been flunking that. In fact I am reading Flunking Sainthood to make myself feel better about being completely terrible about things that church says should give blessings, and knowledge. Reading Scriptures is the same way.
I need something else in my life to focus on, and these red balloons will be my way of saying prayer, and my way of showing action. Rather then just spitting out words.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)